Elephant

the other day i went out to eat
it’s been a while

/not that you would know /

I reached inside my bag, instinctively
and realized I didn’t really look at my them before
my chopsticks, i mean
you picked them green just for me
beautiful, slick and green
i set them on the table
and remembered that night at peat’s

/you know how i remember everything /

eating the delicious food you made for me
i ate it off the tupperware you brought it in,
and savoured each bite,
I know you knew that’s how you’d tame me
and how you got me to tell you
laying my body under your hands
those times,
i’d catch a glimpse

then, another day i found
an old paper bag full of my training clothes
well, our training clothes we’d share
i hated to admit they fit us both perfectly

/remember…? /

then i flipped that bag and
p-snax came out
my favourite flavour, too
the brand you thought i’d like
and ended up loving
i never told you,
but i’d make every one of them last
i loved feeling you in every bite,
and imagining you going to the store,
picking the ones that looked the yummiest
wearing a smile on your face
it made them taste that much better

/i never told you, i know /

but those times, too
i’d catch a glimpse

then yesterday i was scrambling about my room
trying to find clothes to climb trees in
and found the shorts from all those summers ago
when we went to that dead end
and took pictures..

/remember? /

we ended up going back again
and i never forgot
because you’re the best i’ve ever had
and even though it would have made you
so infinitely happy to hear that
i never, ever told you

/i just kept it to myself /

because at those times,
when you’d touch every fiber of me,
and they’d wrap around the whole of you
i’d catch a glimpse

today i found your green bag
under my laundry basket
it has all these names i’ve heard before
written on it with a sharpie marker
a bag full of stories from faraway lands
i’d listen to you and think of how
we’d make plans to travel there

/or anywhere /

some day

/we were so close, weren’t we? /

well, that bag
i use it every day now
it has my favourite things you helped me pick
in that tiny changing room

/remember that day? /

all i really wanted
was for you to see me take them off
and put them on, one after the other

/i wore them for you /

and if you hadn’t said you liked
how they both looked on me
i wouldn’t have gotten anything at all
and when i now put my fruit in that bag,
i remember when it carried the delicious,
nutritious food you’d make for me every morning
because you wanted me to stay strong

well, i’m strong

i can do the things we used to do last summer
when i’d rise through the treetops
to climb over to another tree,
scaring the hell out of you

sure, i’m strong
stronger, even…

/at least on the outside /

even when nobody can tell when i play
…or hear when i sing
…or see through my skin
nobody gets that close

/they don’t know /
/how could they? /

and if they do, i’m afraid they’ll see me
and want to keep me for themselves

remember
when i showed you how i breathe?

/i always wanted to show you /

you’d always want to come
and i’d always spite you for not keeping up
and you’d cry every time
and i’d fall apart but never,
ever of all the evers tell you

/why does it still hurt so? /

because i wanted so bad to love you and didn’t know how
except for those glimpses i’d catch

they never lasted long enough
and neither did we

/remember what i’d always say i wanted you to have? /

we were both lying to ourselves
all of those years, trying so hard to see
through my fucking expectations of you

sure, i’m stronger now
but
i might cry sometimes

/not that you’d know about it /

you won’t know the things i’ve learned since

/you’ve left everything that is me /

now you too are gone
my last angel,
and i’m so high i can fall any second now

/but you wouldn’t know about that either /

but nevermind me missing you,
wanting to jump in a plane and see you,
cook a beautiful meal together and share it,

/have each other for dessert /

or want to climb trees together
and look up at the sun

/while we do it again for seconds /
/remember?? /

nevermind how every night
i wished you’d fall on me and close your eyes
and dig your big chin on my shoulder

/that was always your favourite place to mark me /

nevermind any of that
or how i yearn for you
or ponder everything i’d do to fight for us

/not a damned thing, you stubborn little punk /

it is infinitely easier now than it ever has been
to feel in yourself what i’d catch in those glimpses

isn’t it?

IMAG0077

/it’s there if you want it /

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