For a while, now, I thought that maybe our destinies were tied. Like if I forgave him you’d forgive me, even without knowing. Karma, you know? In a way I found consolation in that, thinking that you were just taking your time and would reach out once you were ready; thinking that our friendship was the real thing. It had been 14 years after all. 14 years! I don’t understand.
But how real is thinking?
As brutally “real” as you walking into a room full of our friends and saying hi to everyone but me, avoiding eye contact. Taking a peek around every minute to ensure your avoiding me was implaccable. It was. How it hurt is exponentially related to all the people in the room I went and greeted in an attempt to escape feeling pain.
Found more pictures of us and our roadtrips. Pictures dancing. Pictures after training. Pictures of us playing. Makes me hate it that we all call it “a game” when I think about that. Maybe I do understand.
At times it feels like it’s the only place we’ve known. The only place I’ve known you in. That’s depressing on so many levels… My eyes get heavy. I take a deep breath… I’m not going to blame him for my actions, but I will blame him for everything he did to all the people we cared about. What I became because of him… And this, this is why I know you won’t come back.
Still, couldn’t have made it all those years there without you.
Love you, always…